Why “Stress” Isn’t the Real Problem—It’s Boundaries, and Your Nervous System Knows It
Most women I work with tell me they’re stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or burnt out. Some struggle with physical symptoms—fatigue, brain fog, digestive issues, chronic tension. Others feel like they’re failing at life, like they’re never enough, never doing enough, and constantly letting someone down.
They try all the things—meditation, clean eating, supplements, therapy—but something still isn’t clicking. They wonder if they’re just wired wrong. Too sensitive. Too reactive. Too much.
But here’s the truth: It’s not just stress. It’s nervous system dysregulation. And for most women, it’s directly tied to the boundaries they were taught not to have.
When “Stress” is Actually Survival Mode
We hear all the time that “stress is the #1 killer,” but what does that actually mean?
It’s not just about being too busy or having too much on your plate. It’s about what happens when your nervous system is constantly responding to relationships, expectations, and pressures as if your survival depends on it.
And for many women, it does feel that way—because it’s what they learned.
From childhood, many women are taught that being good means being accommodating. That anger is bad, that saying no is selfish, that keeping the peace is more important than speaking the truth.
Some grew up in homes where their needs were dismissed or punished. Others had to keep their emotions small to avoid conflict. Others learned that love was conditional on how much they could give.
When this happens, the nervous system adapts. It learns that:
✔ Saying “no” feels unsafe—so you say yes, even when it drains you.
✔ Expressing anger means losing connection—so you swallow it down.
✔ Disappointing someone leads to rejection—so you push yourself past exhaustion.
✔ Your feelings don’t matter—so you don’t even check in with what you need.
And this isn’t just a belief system. This is deeply wired into the body.
Your nervous system learns to fawn (people-please), freeze (shut down), or flop (collapse into exhaustion) instead of standing your ground.
And over time? The body pays the price.
When Lack of Boundaries Shows Up as “Health Issues”
Not every woman struggling with boundaries experiences full-blown illness. But if your nervous system is in a constant state of stress or suppression, it will show up somewhere.
✔ Digestive issues – A nervous system in survival mode diverts energy away from digestion, leading to bloating, constipation, and gut issues.
✔ Fatigue and burnout – Over-accommodating means constantly overriding exhaustion, leading to deep depletion.
✔ Anxiety and panic attacks – When the body is primed for threat but never gets to resolve the stress cycle, it creates a state of chronic hypervigilance.
✔ Depression and numbness – If the nervous system has learned that fighting back isn’t safe, it may shut down completely.
✔ Autoimmune conditions – Long-term stress dysregulation can confuse the immune system, leading it to attack the body instead of protecting it.
✔ Unhealthy relationship with food – Eating can become a way to self-soothe, numb, or regulate a dysregulated nervous system, leading to cycles of restriction, bingeing, or emotional eating.
✔ Lack of self-worth – If a person has spent years overriding their own needs, they may struggle to feel like they deserve rest, space, or care.
So when a woman tells me she’s struggling with stress, exhaustion, anxiety, or chronic tension, I don’t just look at her diet, supplements, or sleep.
I look at her relationships. Her history. Her body’s ability to hold and express boundaries.
Because you cannot heal a nervous system that is still stuck in survival mode.
The Boundaries No One Talks About
Most conversations about boundaries focus on saying no to obligations. But what about:
✔ Distancing yourself from people who make you feel worthless?
✔ Recognizing when someone’s version of "support" is actually controlling or dismissive?
✔ Setting boundaries not just around your time, but your emotional space?
✔ Allowing yourself to step away from relationships where you are constantly proving your worth?
For many women, the hardest part isn’t saying no to favors or extra tasks. It’s stepping back from the people who reinforce their deepest fears about themselves.
And this is nervous system work, too. Because if your body has spent years trying to earn love, approval, and safety from people who were never capable of giving it, stepping back can feel terrifying—even though it’s necessary.
Why You Can’t Just “Think” Your Way Into Better Boundaries
A lot of women know they struggle with boundaries. They’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts. They know they should stand up for themselves, but when the moment comes? Their throat closes up. Their stomach knots. They feel frozen, anxious, or completely shut down.
That’s because boundaries aren’t just a mindset. They are a nervous system state.
If your body doesn’t feel safe expressing a boundary, it won’t matter how much you “know” you need to do it. Your system will override your logic every time.
And for many women, it’s not just fear stopping them—it’s guilt.
✔ Feeling bad for disappointing someone.
✔ Feeling wrong for needing space or saying no.
✔ Feeling selfish, or even morally wrong, for putting themselves first.
This isn’t just random guilt—it’s conditioning. It’s the nervous system associating boundaries with danger, rejection, or punishment.
This is where Somatic Experiencing (SE) comes in.
How Somatic Experiencing Helps Women Reclaim Their Nervous System
Somatic Experiencing is not just about processing trauma. It’s about giving your body new experiences of safety, power, and autonomy—so boundaries become natural, not forced.
This work helps women:
✔ Recognize when their body is defaulting to fawning, freezing, or flopping—so they can start making different choices.
✔ Complete fight-or-flight responses that have been suppressed for years—so they no longer feel like they have to collapse or explode.
✔ Develop a felt sense of their own strength, power, and agency—so standing their ground doesn’t feel like a life-threatening event.
✔ Create space for both healthy aggression and healthy rest—so they stop swinging between over-giving and total shutdown.
Most importantly? This work is relational.
I don’t believe in just handing women a list of tools and sending them on their way.
Healing from a lifetime of over-accommodating, overriding, and collapsing isn’t something you do alone. It happens in relationship—with someone who can reflect back your strength, your resilience, and your right to take up space.
That’s what I do. Not just SE, but relationship-based care that helps women reclaim themselves.
And if you’re reading this, feeling that pull of recognition—this work is for you.
If This Resonates, This is the Work I Do
If you’ve read this and felt something click—if you’ve recognized yourself in these patterns, if you’ve been wondering why stress and anxiety seem to follow you no matter how much you try to manage them—you are not alone.
And more importantly: nothing about you is broken.
Your nervous system has been doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe. The exhaustion, the guilt, the self-doubt, the frustration of never being able to fully follow through on boundaries—it all makes sense.
But just because it makes sense doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck here.
This work isn’t about forcing change. It’s about helping your body experience something different. It’s about learning, slowly and gently, that you don’t have to earn rest, safety, or worthiness. That you don’t have to over-explain or justify your needs. That you don’t have to brace for backlash every time you set a limit.
Somatic Experiencing isn’t just a tool—it’s a process of coming home to yourself.
My work isn’t just about offering SE sessions. I offer relationship-based care, meeting you where you are, supporting you as you reclaim your energy, your voice, your space.
I know that stepping into this work can feel overwhelming. That even reaching out can feel vulnerable. If you’re unsure, if you have questions, if you’re just starting to put the pieces together, I’m here to hold that space with you.
If this resonates, let’s start a conversation. Let’s find the next step together.
